Have you ever wanted to scream?
I mean just holler from the sole of your feet to the top of your scalp.
And scream, not because something is wrong but, because something isn’t right.
You can’t explain it. You can’t define it. There is just something there that says, I need to SCREAM!
You’re not even sure what the scream will do.
Will it even help?
Will it take away the pain?
You don’t know. I don’t know.
I just know I need to scream.
But, where can I go? Where can I go to let out a holler that I need to let out?
Where can I go to scream where I will not scare anyone?
Where can I go to yell and not be disturbed?
I don’t want anyone to ask me any questions.
I don’t want to have to explain why I’m screaming.
I don’t want to have to justify my scream.
I just want to scream in peace. Yes, that’s a thing.
What If I Won’t Stop
Yesterday at church, a dear lady shared with me that one of her sweet friends passed away after 4 long years of battling cancer. She said she hasn’t cried yet because she’s afraid that she wouldn’t stop.
All I could do was nod my head and even fought back my own tears because I kind of knew what she was talking about.
But, for me, it’s not even just about crying anymore.
I. Want. To. Scream!
I don’t want to be polite. I don’t want to be cute. I don’t want to be gentle.
I want to YELL! I want to take this layer of painful skin off and throw it away.
We’re almost at the end of the of 2016 and I have no idea what 2017 will bring. We’re not even out of 2016 and there’s still so much I don’t know about so much.
And before we go there, I can’t over-spiritualized things right now.
Yes, I know God has a plan. I know God has kept me. I know God is sovereign. And right now, I still want to scream!
I want to scream for the pain of losing my Granny.
I want to scream for the pain of losing my Mema.
I want to scream for the unknown. I want to scream for the difficulty of it all.
I want to scream for the season of discomfort. I want to scream because it still isn’t easy.
Truth is, it may never be easy again. It certainly won’t be the same.
So until I can scream, I write. And as I write, I let the tears flow and belt out the moans that emerge from my gut.
I write and cry and moan.
Comfort and Joy
As I write, I feel the pain shift. It doesn’t go away but, it goes in a corner. As I cry, there is a peace that comes out of nowhere, as if it has been waiting for me to cry or at least admit that I need to scream.
Nothing has changed since I started writing this post 20 minutes ago. My Granny and Mema are still enjoying their heavenly robes. I’m still unsure of what 2017 will bring and yet, there is a peace.
How can that be?
Well, I can’t really explain it. I think it has something to do with tears being able to help with emotions and stress. And, I actually do feel better.
The truth is, I was going to stay curled up in my bed today because of wanting to scream. I thought that I couldn’t scream because of the reasons above and I really didn’t want to deal with the pain of why I wanted to scream in the first place, so I was going to stay in bed.
But, then I was afraid that I would stay in bed. I was afraid that I would not get out of bed because of sadness. Kind of like my friend not wanting to cry because she’s afraid she wouldn’t stop.
So I got up. I got up fast. But, I got up because I was also in search of a place to scream.
I guess I could have screamed in my pillow.
Next time. 🙂
Today, the tears have done the job and now I can do the rest of today.
We all know that the holiday season can be brutal, particularly when dealing with grief. We try to put on a good face especially if we have young people around us. We want to fa-la-la-la with them and have the hills all alive and what not, when on the inside, we want to run up those hills and just holler!
May I offer a quick something? If you want to scream, don’t fight it. If you want to cry, for goodness sake, please cry! For your sake, cry. Putting on a “face” for everyone or anyone, including yourself, will not do anybody any good. Cry. Scream. Jump up and down. Whatever you need to do, just do it!
Let the tears do their job so you can do yours.
My job today? Be gentle with my own self. Take one day at a time. Breathe. And continue to build, brick by brick.
May this season bring you peace, happy memories, tears, comfort, and joy.
- Do you give yourself permission to scream?
- How are you being gentle with yourself?
- If you are grieving this season, know that you’re not alone. And what are some ways can you share this with your young person so they know that it’s ok for them to grieve too?
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for taking the time to read it 🙂
Oh, that was good. After years of avoiding it and carrying around a sharp pain in my heart, I cried until my head felt like it was about to…well, explode, on Christmas eve day. Then, after a while, I felt a quiet peace, right there, laying with the left side of my face plastered on the carpet. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone, and that I need to let myself cry. It’s all bottled up inside.
We are never alone. ❤️ Thank you for reading it and I’m so glad it helped today.
I scream and nothing comes out. The gut wrenching grief won’t turn loose!!! My beautiful daughter, a wonderful marriage of 31 years, a new grandmother, a faithful servant of the Lord DIED. Not sick, everything to live for and God took her! Never has there been……
I am so deeply sorry for your loss and I know that my sorry doesn’t take away your sorrow. Honestly, my therapist had to remind me after my first grandma passed in march that I had permission to grieve. I had even put a time limit on it for no reason but for my own sake. Talking it out with someone helped me and I still have moments. I won’t over spiritualize this or say too
much. I’ll just say the Holy Spirit is waiting to be your comforter. He won’t fail. Even when it doesn’t make sense or seem fair❤️
Awesome article..thanks for sharing…I can relate.
Hi sisters well I believe that when a grief happen or come first of all for a moment it’s a shock that you find yourself as lifeless and by the time you realize what you just heard it’s very difficult to say for I have been there in 1993 , having in mind to visit my home land Africa after 17yrs out and not seeing my mum but only communicate through letters , I received a condolence card from my half brother who also lost his wife to breast cancer earlier of the year, that my mum passed away and had even be buried. I pick up my house phone and him in London where he was by then and was just upset by telling him they should stop all the nonsense where when family back in Nigeria where I grow up when they want you to come home they will tell you that your g-ma is sick your g-pa but I was upset that when he was aware why can’t he call me so 23rd Décembre to me is has being my black day making 20yrs since my mum went to the LORD,to me is 37yrs for I never see her since I left home . One thing that help most is when I think or talk about her with children mostly the girls tell them how tuff she is and strong and sweet woman for all she thought me and harsh is all good fruits unto my life today thanks to ALMIGHTY GOD and she was born again before journey to the other side that is joyful to me if they can tell us how sweet and joyful the place is I think we will be happy and grateful mostly if they were sick before living that better a peaceful place than the agony of life may the comforter of our soul and life comforts all that are sorrowful at this period of year for CHRIST came to wipe away our tears through HIS birth death and resurrection so we will all rejoice that day at the feet of THE LAMB OF GOD bless you all and be happy. For the Joy of the LORD is ours thank you.
This helped me more than you know, I still miss my mom and I feel a pain in my heart, but I know she is with her Savior, that gives me peace and joy.
❤️ To God be the glory because this post was by His complete direction. He knows when His daughters need to hear from Him in another way doesn’t He? Goodness! What a mighty God we serve.
I was just sharing with a dear sister from our church. She lost her son suddenly approximately three years. She had tears leaking from her eyes and she said to me that she tries not to let that happen. I reminded her that it was a safe place and to let it go. Sometimes we need to just let it go. God heals through our tears.
YEs He does. ❤️
Thank you. I want to scream too.
❤️ Hopefully this gives you encouragement to find your space & give you permission to do so.
Thank you for this article. This was such a timely topic. My dad passed away 5 years ago and my life has not been the same since. The pain is bad daily but worse on the holidays. People try to make you feel better by saying “he’s not in pain anymore ” and I want to say “yes, but I am” .
Thanks for listening and thanks for knowing how I feel.
I’m gonna go scream now 😊
Robin from Massachusetts
Whew! People have great intentions don’t they 🤗 Thank YOU for your transparency because I KNOW I have thought the, “Yes, but I am” sentiment. Scream on my sister, scream on! He knows! He hears! ❤️
This is so timely for me – it’s reassuring to read that someone else can articulate just the way I am feeling…pretty much constantly right now. Thank you for the hope on the other side of the scream.
Now I know I’m not the only one! I go for a drive and have a heart to heart with God! I can scream, I cry, and then leave it there and go on! It’s the best feeling!
Yes it is!! Isn’t it great to know we’re not alone 🤗
Thank you for putting into words how I have been feeling.
My mom died Oct 31 this year and it has been a difficult holiday season between Thanksgiving, then Christmas then their anniversary the day after Christmas. I have learned through it all that crying does help and that God is in the middle of this season of grief with me. I don’t want to be here, but it is so comforting to know God is here with me.
Thank you for sharing your soul with us and encouraging us along the way.
I will be praying for you as you continue this new journey without your mom. I am finding more comfort in knowing He is with me even in the places I don’t want to be ❤️
Great post! I have dealt with this for a few years. Sometimes crying works, but I knew that I needed to scream and I wanted to scream, but I didn’t give myself permission to do so. Even with uncertainty of 2017, I have hope that it will be great and I will take care of myself more.
You & me both 🤗
Great post!! Something I practiced, even as a young teen with permission from my mom, of course!!! I often felt the need to scream and with permission from my mom, your nana, permission was granted. I would belt one long and satisfying, gut renching scream, and felt better afterwards. Try it ! It works!!! Well done and well said, Shanny!! 🙂
Thanks Aunt Sandra! I had no idea 🤗
Oh my goodness. I so want to cry. I so need to. I can honestly say I have NOT dealt with the many deaths in my family. I have not grieved. My sister had breast cancer and at the same time my other sister had pancreatic cancer and my mom had brain cancer. My two sisters died within months of each other. My mom died a year later and then my brother was diagnosed with lung cancer and died. I am honestly afraid to go there,to grieve for fear I can’t handle it. I stuff it. Please pray for me.
Please know I am praying for you, my sister. I am actually praying as I type because I do not take it lightly what you wrote and my heart truly goes out to you. Your heart sounds heavy, even in what you shared, and for good reason! That is a lot to hold on to and a lot to deal with. I am not a counselor or a therapist so I won’t say too much, but as I read your post, particularly the last line “I am honestly afraid to go there, to grieve for fear I can’t handle it” all I could think about is how fear keeps us from freedom. Now, I won’t dare pretend to understand your level of loss, but I do know the level of what the holy spirit can handle. I would venture to say the Lord has taken care of other things in your life before that you thought were too big or that you thought you couldn’t handle, but He did. He has shown Himself before. If He hadn’t, you wouldn’t be asking for prayer. We ask for prayer because we know the power of prayer. We know the power because of experience. You have experienced the Lord showing you HE can handle it and you can cast your grief out to Him and let Him comfort you. He can handle the scream.
Also, and I pray you’re able to hear this in the spirit that I say it. I am a big believer in two things: the power of prayer and the ear of a great therapist! The Lord did not intend for us to do life by ourselves and well, grief is a part of life. Please, when you’re ready, talk to someone. Whether it’s someone at your church, maybe you all have a grief ministry or even a licensed counselor. Someone I strongly recommend is a sweet woman of God named Shundria Riddick. She is licensed counselor, extremely down to earth, and loves Jesus. She actually did a podcast with Chrystal a few months ago. It was about marriage but you can at least hear her heart. She is truly a gift. http://chrystalevanshurst.com/067-a-chat-with-shundria-riddick/
May the Lord continue to remind you that He has you and that you don’t have to fear anything, especially grieving. He will take care of you. I Peter 5:7
Wow…, this really blessed me. Summed up my feelings during this season. I feel like I have been holding my breathe for the last month or so because I love this season and did not want to spoil it for my family. I lost my sister in July of this year and it’s been 5 years since we lost my mom. All that has literally been sitting on the edge of my heart. Thanks for sharing.
To God be the glory! You and I share some of the same sentiments (“did not want to spoil it for my family” was a very familiar feeling). You have my sincere condolences on the recent loss of your sister and for your mom as well. As I read the comments from our sisters in Christ, I am comforted by the presence of the holy spirit connecting us for such a time as this; to encourage us as we continue to do one day at a time & continue to seek the Lord for healing, comfort and joy.