Have you ever wanted to scream?
I mean just holler from the sole of your feet to the top of your scalp.
And scream, not because something is wrong but, because something isn’t right.
You can’t explain it. You can’t define it. There is just something there that says, I need to SCREAM!
You’re not even sure what the scream will do.
Will it even help?
Will it take away the pain?
You don’t know. I don’t know.
I just know I need to scream.
But, where can I go? Where can I go to let out a holler that I need to let out?
Where can I go to scream where I will not scare anyone?
Where can I go to yell and not be disturbed?
I don’t want anyone to ask me any questions.
I don’t want to have to explain why I’m screaming.
I don’t want to have to justify my scream.
I just want to scream in peace. Yes, that’s a thing.
What If I Won’t Stop
Yesterday at church, a dear lady shared with me that one of her sweet friends passed away after 4 long years of battling cancer. She said she hasn’t cried yet because she’s afraid that she wouldn’t stop.
All I could do was nod my head and even fought back my own tears because I kind of knew what she was talking about.
But, for me, it’s not even just about crying anymore.
I. Want. To. Scream!
I don’t want to be polite. I don’t want to be cute. I don’t want to be gentle.
I want to YELL! I want to take this layer of painful skin off and throw it away.
We’re almost at the end of the of 2016 and I have no idea what 2017 will bring. We’re not even out of 2016 and there’s still so much I don’t know about so much.
And before we go there, I can’t over-spiritualized things right now.
Yes, I know God has a plan. I know God has kept me. I know God is sovereign. And right now, I still want to scream!
I want to scream for the pain of losing my Granny.
I want to scream for the pain of losing my Mema.
I want to scream for the unknown. I want to scream for the difficulty of it all.
I want to scream for the season of discomfort. I want to scream because it still isn’t easy.
Truth is, it may never be easy again. It certainly won’t be the same.
So until I can scream, I write. And as I write, I let the tears flow and belt out the moans that emerge from my gut.
I write and cry and moan.
Comfort and Joy
As I write, I feel the pain shift. It doesn’t go away but, it goes in a corner. As I cry, there is a peace that comes out of nowhere, as if it has been waiting for me to cry or at least admit that I need to scream.
Nothing has changed since I started writing this post 20 minutes ago. My Granny and Mema are still enjoying their heavenly robes. I’m still unsure of what 2017 will bring and yet, there is a peace.
How can that be?
Well, I can’t really explain it. I think it has something to do with tears being able to help with emotions and stress. And, I actually do feel better.
The truth is, I was going to stay curled up in my bed today because of wanting to scream. I thought that I couldn’t scream because of the reasons above and I really didn’t want to deal with the pain of why I wanted to scream in the first place, so I was going to stay in bed.
But, then I was afraid that I would stay in bed. I was afraid that I would not get out of bed because of sadness. Kind of like my friend not wanting to cry because she’s afraid she wouldn’t stop.
So I got up. I got up fast. But, I got up because I was also in search of a place to scream.
I guess I could have screamed in my pillow.
Next time. 🙂
Today, the tears have done the job and now I can do the rest of today.
We all know that the holiday season can be brutal, particularly when dealing with grief. We try to put on a good face especially if we have young people around us. We want to fa-la-la-la with them and have the hills all alive and what not, when on the inside, we want to run up those hills and just holler!
May I offer a quick something? If you want to scream, don’t fight it. If you want to cry, for goodness sake, please cry! For your sake, cry. Putting on a “face” for everyone or anyone, including yourself, will not do anybody any good. Cry. Scream. Jump up and down. Whatever you need to do, just do it!
Let the tears do their job so you can do yours.
My job today? Be gentle with my own self. Take one day at a time. Breathe. And continue to build, brick by brick.
May this season bring you peace, happy memories, tears, comfort, and joy.
- Do you give yourself permission to scream?
- How are you being gentle with yourself?
- If you are grieving this season, know that you’re not alone. And what are some ways can you share this with your young person so they know that it’s ok for them to grieve too?